If you haven’t already read the About CI page, I suggest reading this next as it goes into more detail about the CI logo, what it represents, and why I’m now compelled to help others on a similar journey.
My Journey
By society’s standards, I’m living a successful life. I have a home, family, friends, a steady job, personal interests, etc.
On many occasions throughout my life, I found myself burned out. Empty. Hating myself for not appreciating what I had and not sure why I still wanted “more.” But I was compelled to fill the “more.”
My solution? Take on more. Be more. Do more. People-pleasing to the point I couldn’t do everything I had already said “yes” to (which I later realized was a lack of personal boundaries.)
And every time, the results were the same – burn out. Emptiness. Anger – at myself and others. Anxiety. Shame – for not being enough and also for not knowing how to fix it. After all, I’m a fixer!
My Awakening
In talking with others about their journeys, I found that many of us are struggling, but we don’t want to admit it. Why not?
Because admitting that what we’re doing isn’t working is… showing weakness. It’s being…vulnerable. It’s being… soft.
This was the absolute worst feeling to someone whose tools to success were to perform/do/achieve, “pull yourself up by your bootstraps”, and “suck it up.” In my mind, I’m a survivor. I can face crisis and come up with a plan, then take action on that plan. And I take pride in that fact.
Or at least I did.
Until it didn’t work for me anymore. All my fixing, doing, achieving – all of it led to the empty void I couldn’t fill. It…wasn’t…working.
I realized that I had created a cycle where I was in one “crisis” after another, some of which I had consciously or unconsciously created. But never fear, I’d just create another plan to resolve the problem, take action, and move on.
The problem was, I didn’t step back to consider if there were other perspectives…other options…other plans.. others in general… who could be involved to get a better outcome (or maybe even solve the core problem.) After all, that would take more time. It would involve more people, which can get messy. It definitely wasn’t efficient. And it may interfere with my timeline. My plan. My definition of success.
Mine.
Which led to my awakening:
I had a vice-grip on control. I had to be in control of every aspect of my life, which left little room for authentic connection and trust.
I am wired for education and action, yet I was taking on roles that only focused on the action part. I became a human doing, not a human being.
My “why” is to educate and activate others to bring their unique voice and their best self to the one life we have to live. To do that, I had to be willing to fully embrace the journey for myself. To become whole.
Who I Am Today
This is the hardest section for me to write because the real answer is:
“I’m not who I thought I was. I do know I’m a human being, not a human doing. I’m not a problem in need of solving, and I can’t fix others. I’m not exactly sure what that all looks like yet, but I’m willing to take the next step forward, toward courageous imperfection.” My Truth
I’m slowy coming to realize that the courage to accept myself is what it’s all about. Being willing to take all the parts of me – strong and weak, productive and unproductive, healed and unhealed – and bring my whole self to every situation I’m in, be it work, home, friends, family, hobbies, etc.
I can’t just bring the doing, fixing, planning parts of me, though that feels the most comfortable. It’s comfortable because I’ve been doing it for so long. We can all create new habits, though it takes time. Being an impatient person, this was the most frustrating truth. But it is true. And as I’ve personally experienced, it leads to better outcomes.
All of this makes me… me. Which is… imperfect. Vulnerable. But also… authentic. Real. Messy. Productive. Messy. Courageous.
I am this blog: Courageously Imperfect. This is my way of giving back the resources, tools, and individuals helping me on my journey, and who continue to keep me grounded in truth, not the masks I was wearing.
Thanks for being part of my journey and thank you to those who were, and still are, a part of mine.
I’d welcome an opportunity to become part of yours. It’s not work meant to be done alone.
Schedule a free, 30-minute consultation with a CI life coach determine the right amount of support for you.
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